With all that’s changing, the way I share information is changing too. I don’t know what the future holds for this space, and I don’t feel pressured to make any decisions right now. But today I wanted to take a moment and preserve my thoughts before this little girl comes screaming into the world.
My daughter is due in one week. It’s unfathomable to me that she will be here soon, that the world and my life as I have come to know it will change drastically overnight. Of course, it’s already changed in some ways, but I cannot possibly prepare for what lies ahead. I fully expect my heart to break wide open in a way I never saw coming. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, like a tiny breeze could send me sailing over the edge, with no power to stop my fall or protect myself. I simply have to wait to land at the bottom and see what’s there. It’s exhilarating and terrifying.
The other night I was lying in bed watching TV with the cat, both dogs and my husband all sleeping. I stared at Billy, my heart rushing back to every single tiny moment we’ve ever shared over the course of 15 years, and I felt so grateful for him. We’ve been through hell and back together, but throughout my life, he has been consistently there for me, supportive and loving and acting as my cheerleader. During this pregnancy, he has been attentive and sweet, and he has sought out every bit of information he could get his hands on. He attended classes on childbirth, breastfeeding, choking and CPR with me, and thank God for him, because he remembers things I forget! He’s excited to become a Dad and I can already tell that he’ll be wrapped around her finger. Even when he drives me absolutely crazy (and believe me, he does!), I’m just so grateful that I get to go on this crazy ride with him.
Right now our lives together consist of tiny moments: making coffee for each other; debating the merits of omelettes versus pancakes for Sunday breakfast; playing with the dogs outside; arguing over who does things the right way, from unloading the dishwasher to folding towels; binge-watching Breaking Bad on the couch; sweet talking him into another trip to Dairy Queen for a banana split. In just over a week, it will be filled with dirty diapers, breastfeeding, and playing rock-paper-scissors over who has to wake up in the middle of the night next. Right now, Billy is my world and I lean on him for everything from humor to advice to a reality check. Next week, this little lady will be the center of both our worlds.
Everything is changing – our marriage, my friendships, our priorities. Weeks or months from now when things get hard, I want to remember this feeling of gratitude and love for everything we’ve been through together. This blog has a thick layer of dust on it, and I don’t know if or when I’ll be back. That’s why I sit here today, sharing one more story. This is the story of what was, what is and preparing for what’s to come.